Childhood
When I was pretty young I noticed that I felt different from other boys around me, and when I was about 13 years old I started to understand that I was attracted to other guys. This realization was the start of a journey that has taken years and years to understand, navigate, and love.
From the moment I became aware of it, I felt like this part of myself was a huge mistake. I was extremely conscious that being attracted to guys was not an okay thing in the church, at school, or in the world around me. I hated that part of myself with all my heart. It was something I couldn’t accept as part of who I am. It was not an option for me to be gay. How could it be when so many people and organizations around me treat it the way they do?
When I say I hated myself, I meant it. The messages around me all pointed to the fact that being gay is bad. Gay people are sinful. Gay people leave the church. Gay people are a cause of the destruction of the family. And so on. All through middle school and high school my energy was spent trying to change who I was.
Teen Years
I’d spend hours praying for a miracle to be changed and made straight. I’d force myself to think like straight people did and talk like they did and act like they did. I would pray for hours through the night for forgiveness and the Atonement to fix me. I would fast every month for God to give me a miracle and take away the “temptation” I was facing. All I wanted was to be able to feel anything for a girl. I wanted to be righteous and live a life like what the church taught was good. I wanted a life and family like I grew up with. I wanted to be changed into someone I wasn’t meant to be.
I absolutely love my family. I’ve always wanted a family like the one I grew up in. I am grateful for my family and they are the greatest source of support and love. I tried everything in my power to not be gay so that I could be “normal” and have that future I always hoped for – a family like the one I grew up in.
The more I tried to change myself the clearer it became to me that this part of myself would not be going away anytime soon. I believed I was experiencing this trial of same-sex attraction because I was evil and wasn't righteous enough, but I’ve come to learn that it simply wasn’t God’s will to change me. I’ve learned that He has made me this way for a reason and it is a key part of my eternal identity as His son.
Mission in Japan
On my mission in Sapporo, Japan I went through a lot of hard experiences with myself trying to figure out what this all meant for me. I also grew close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know 100% that He is right here with me every single step of this journey. He’s been with me at my lowest points and has helped me get to my high points. I am grateful for the difficult yet spiritual experiences I had on my mission that brought me closer to my Savior than ever before. Without the strength I receive from Him, I’d be lost and surrounded by darkness.
Post Mission
In all honesty, I thought I’d come home from my mission and somehow be straight and find a girl I’d want to marry. But, after going on many dates and even dating one of the best people I have ever known, it was pretty clear to me that dating girls and marrying one just couldn’t work for me. I also realized that if I were to marry a girl I would not only be hurting me, but it would be unfair to her. That realization crushed me. I felt like if I gave up on dating girls I would be a failure and would be giving in to the darkness and temptations I believed I had struggled with my whole life.
It wasn’t until April, 2021 that something changed. After lots of thinking, I got the courage to reach out to a random person on social media who I saw living a happy life as an open gay student at BYU and trying to make it all work with the church. We talked a ton, and he introduced me to some great resources that changed my perspective on so many things.
Not long after I met this friend, I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. It was when I actually prayed and asked Heavenly Father what He felt about my feelings of being attracted to men. I always assumed I knew what He thought about it. I thought He was disgusted with it, and it was something I needed to get out of my life. However, when I actually asked Him I was filled with a love so pure and powerful it was overwhelming and life changing. I learned that my Heavenly Parents love me for who I am. That I am meant to be gay for a reason. That I am not a mistake. That no matter what my life looks like, I will be okay and loved by Them.
Since then, Heavenly Father has continued to help me learn to love myself and embrace every aspect of who I am. He has led me to come out to friends and to family and it has made such a huge difference - I feel less alone and more love from all those around me.
Looking Forward
Coming out to people unfortunately doesn’t make the difficulties and challenges magically disappear. Imagine a life where you find someone you love, but your church has policies which don’t allow you to be with that person. And not only that, but if you were to be in a committed and loving relationship with that person it would be considered a serious sin and would lose church privileges and potentially membership.
I can’t even begin to explain how difficult it is to find the space where I can be myself and also feel like there is a place for me in the church. I’ve had to make some adjustments to how I look at things. I have had to realize that my reality is different from the general membership of the church and because of that my life might look a little different from other peoples' lives.
An experience I have had many times over the last few years might help you understand a little bit of what I experience in the church as a gay man. A very close person to me was able to get married and I was able to attend their wedding and watch them get sealed in the temple. It was a beautiful and spiritual experience and I was genuinely happy for them. But the whole ceremony was also so painful for me. My heart hurt because I feel like this is something I will never get to experience with someone I love. I felt sad, angry, and hopeless. I watched them smile at each other across the altar and I longed to have that for myself but in a different way. I try to keep moving forward with the hope that I will be able to be with a man I love in a way that my Heavenly Parents have prepared for me.
My life is so much different from what I expected it to be and that can be so hard sometimes. As I am figuring out what to do with so many complex parts of this, all I know is that I will be okay in the end. I know that because I know that our Heavenly Parents love us. I am confident that however this all works out, it is not going to be how any of us expect, but it will be exactly how it should be.
Got more questions? Maybe these Q&As will answer them.
Check out these resources that have helped me.